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| 01:03am 06/07/2006 |
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Does anyone know the artist of these? Or a website with more of his work [I remember it being a guy, but I could be wrong]?
I'd greatly appreciate it. :) |
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| 09:24pm 10/05/2006 |
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Scott keeps harassing me, so my journal is now FRIENDS ONLY. |
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| And I Can Feel His Lips The Way They Felt That Very First Time. |
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| 04:26pm 08/05/2006 |
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mood:  calm
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I'm sad that I won't be returning to NIU next year. As much as I bitch about work, I'm going to miss most of the people I work with. I took a few pictures with some of them, but not with everyone that I like, so that sucks. I did get pictures with the majority of the cooks. hah. I love those guys! I'm going to miss going to Walmart with Cathy and singing loud and obnoxiously and dancing in her car...and passing that house where that kid flipped us off. hah. I'm going to miss my stoners on the floor (and the stoners in the other dorms), but I'm going to get their information (SN, phone number, etc) and try to keep in touch with them. I really want to come visit everyone next year and make an effort to see them over the summer. I definitely have to visit Cathy next year to keep her sane from her roommates. hah.
I confessed to her that I thought we were going to be horrible roommates together. I told her I thought all we would do is argue, but that didn't happen at all. I mean, we only had one major arguement and maybe a few little disagreements, but nothing drastic. We got along really well and I'm glad I roomed with her instead of a random person. She was always there for me when I needed to bitch about something and she was always there to comfort me when I was crying. Like the other day, when the fucker made me cry, she came over and held me and wanted to call him to bitch him out. heh. I'm going to miss that. I know I have Christina and Nick, but they haven't shared a room with me for eight months, so they won't understand everything. ::sighs::
Aaron took me out to dinner last night. I had fun and we talked a lot about our childhoods. Cathy asked me if we talked about him and me and what we're going to do about the summer and next school year, but I told her I didn't and suggested she should bring it up to him. lol. She would 'cause she's cool like that. :) I'm leaving on Thursday and it makes me sad because I know, no matter how much I want to admit it, that I probably won't keep in touch with anyone here nor ever see them again. I had a good year, though, and an awesome experience here. |
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| 10:26pm 07/05/2006 |
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I'm happy. |
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| We're Talking About Our Lives Like We've Known Each Other Forever. |
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| 07:10pm 21/04/2006 |
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mood:  numb
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So I cried today while at work. It's a good thing I was outside and with Cathy and JoAnn. My mom refuses to let me stay in DeKalb next year. If I do, I will have to pay for my school, rent (which I would've done), food (which I would've done), a possible car and insurance, my phone, etc. Nick called me while I was at work because my mom called him to check up on me. How fucking typical is that of her? EXTREMELY. My manager, Beth, kept telling me that she thinks I'd be able to make it on my own, but how do I know that? What if I fail miserably? What if I go into debt? What if I can't afford rent one month?
I'm going to be so miserable at home. I feel like dropping out of school and working multiple jobs to save money to move out. I decided that's what I'm going to put my money aside for: moving out. I give myself a year. If I'm not out by then, I'm a lost cause.
Wish me luck.
Realized I can never win
Sometimes I feel like I have failed
Inside where do I begin
My mind is laughing at me
Tell me why am I to blame
Aren't we suppose to be the same
That's why I will never tame
This thing that's burning in me
I am the one who chose my path
I am the one who couldn't last
I feel the life pulled from me
I feel the anger changing me<
Sometimes I can never tell
If I've got something after me
That's why I just beg and plead
For this curse to leave me
Tell me why am I to blame
Aren't we suppose to be the same
That's why I will never tame
This thing that's burning in me
I am the one who chose my path
I am the one who couldn't last
I feel the life pulled from me
I feel the anger changing me
Betrayed
I feel so enslaved
I really Tried
I did my time
I did my time
I did my time
I did my time
I did my time
I am the one who chose my path
I am the one who couldn't last
I feel the life pulled from me
I feel the anger changing me
Oh God, the anger's changing me
Oh God, the anger's changing me
Oh God, the anger's changing me |
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| < broken hearts > |
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| 10:33pm 15/04/2006 |
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mood: depressed
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I heard this song on the way home from school on Friday, so Cathy let me borrow the CD so I can rip the song onto my laptop, then listen to it over and over again and copy as many lyrics as I could to look it up. Finally, I found the entire lyrics, song title, and singer:
I've been lying,
to keep you from this pain
Now your crying,
and to know that I'm to blame
And I'll miss you
But its over now
I'm so sorry,
that it had to be this way
Please don't hate me,
but there's nothing you can say
To change my mind
I've got to go away
The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more
Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
I used to like the way you said
Baby back it up,
Lay down what
It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boyfriend,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now
Let me tell you how it was when we started off
The tattoos and the lip pierce and raggedy style you used to rock
Lately everything you do and say is messed up
Things have changed, down is up we're outta luck
And Baby I'm sorry
That it had to be this way
Please don't hate me, but there's nothing you can say
To Change my mind
The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more
Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
I used to like the way you said
Baby back it up,
Lay down what
It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boy,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now
You never put the effort in to the things that really counted
A word here, and a kiss there
Could change the way its turning out
You work so hard at all the things I never cared about
How hands work & fingers moving, Eyes wide Shut
And baby I'm lonely
Though your right in front of me
You controlled me
That was the girl I used to be
Gave up myself
Well its over now
The guy that I fell for
He wanted more and more
Bye Bye Boyfriend
It's time that I'd be on my way
Bye Bye Boyfriend
I used to like the way you said
Baby back it up,
Lay down what
It was fun but it couldn't last forever
Bye Bye pretty boy,
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause its over now
I'm backin up,
Baby cause it's over now
Pretty pretty pretty pretty boyfriend,
C'mon
c'mon
c'mon
c'mon
Baby back it up
Lay down what
It was fun but it couldnt last forever
bye bye pretty boy
It's time to, It's time to pack it up
Baby 'cause it's over now |
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| But The Ink Stains On His Fingers Told Me He Was Skilled At Capturing A Feeling That Most Of Us Miss |
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| 02:19pm 04/03/2006 |
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mood:  okay
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This week has been nothing for me. I have done absolutely nothing but sit and think in my room. I don't know if I want to be a psychologist anymore. How do I know that this is right for me? I don't understand how people just know what they're meant to major in. How did my mom know she wanted to be a nurse? She's not a nurse anymore, though. She quit her last job because it was too much for her. Her hours varied daily and sometimes, she wouldn't get home until 10:00pm. My dad graduated high school (in Sicily) and didn't continue his education, like a lot of my aunts and uncles, so he works for the CTA and has for almost 30 years. He was able to retire two or three years ago, but how could he when he has four kids, two of which are in college?
My mom still tells me to become a writer or major in English. I don't want to teach, though, and if I did, it would be college. Pre-school through third grade is just trouble. The kids are still learning disipline and I'm too impatient and short tempered to deal with that. Fourth through sixth grade is like they're just discovering the opposite sex and still aren't mature enough to listen. Seventh and eighth grade, the kids act as if they rule the world. When I pick up my little sister from school, I see the little eighth grade girls in extremely short skirts and hear them talking about the "relationship" they're currently in. High school, the kids are still immature because they're making new friends and feel the need to "show off" to others as if they need to fit in. By college, you just wish that they're capable of sitting in class, if they actually attend, and be mature enough to pay attention.
I can't write - at least not as a career. I don't like being critized and I only like to write when I want to write, not when I have to have something turned in at a specific date. I thought of going into comsmotology, but I don't want to touch other people's hair ('cause that's gross) and I don't want to paint nails and give pedicures ('cause feet gross me out) and manicures. I'd only like to do makeup. However, the only strictly-makeup schools are in California and New York and I'm stuck in Chicago. My mom keeps telling me we could write books together. I really don't want to write romance novels with my mom, though, since that's what she wants to write. She has this master plan that she'd give me the plot and the events, etc. and I would do all the writing.
It's days like this I wish I could just lay in bed and watch the world around me pass me by.
I put in my 6g earrings today. Four my sizes and I'll finally reach my destination: 00g.
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| It's Just Sleepy California, But I Just Hope They Know. |
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| 09:50am 23/02/2006 |
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mood: hungry
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Many people are concerned with my decision to transfer home next year. First, I should make it clear that it isn't official yet. I still need to talk to my parents (which I'll do this weekend when I go home). These are my reasons for deciding to transfer:
1. It will save money.
2. I miss my siblings too much.
3. When I feel too down to get out of bed, I'd rather stay in my bed, not one I'm paying for.
4. My mentallity goes up and down too much.
5. I'm sick of being questioned about going to class.
6. I'm sick of being bitched at for "never going out."
7. I'm sick of the drama.
8. I'm sick of being woken up every fucking night - especially when I'm sick and asked to be left alone.
9. I haven't met anyone worth coming back to.
10. I hate the teachers.
11. I hate the classes.
12. The counselors are morons that don't help.
13. I hate the people.
14. I'm tired of the drunk people coming into work and hitting on me.
15. I miss my privacy.
16. I'm tired of always using my cell phone.
17. I'm tired of people borrowing my stuff.
18. I'm tired of people looking through my stuff - especially when I'm not there.
19. I want real toilet paper.
20. I'm tired of the cold water in the showers - my lips actually shiver.
21. I hate having to shower with shoes on.
22. I like laying in bed, naked, after a hot shower and I can't do that here.
23. I'm sick of all the thefts on the floor.
24. I don't have a roommate for next year.
25. I can't live with a random person.
26. I'm sick of people critizing my music.
27. I'm sick of being told I'm "too loud" when I'm a quiet person - most of the time.
28. I'm sick of people telling me I should dress up - HELLO! I like wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
29. I miss my mommy's food.
30. I hardly eat anymore.
31. I miss cooking for myself.
32. I hate always having someone in my room.
33. I hate having to lock my door just to go to a friend's room that's three doors down.
34. I get distracted when doing homework because of everyone around me.
35. I hate how Cathy always needs the TV on - and she listens to it REALLY loud. I rarely watch TV!
36. I hate how Cathy listens to my phone conversations and makes comments about the conversation.
37. I like being able to go to the bathroom at home in the middle of the night without having to put my shoes and bra on.
38. I miss having someone to talk to.
39. I miss picking up Gabriella from school and talking about our day on the way home.
40. I miss 2:00 dinners on Sunday and being hungry again by 5.
41. I actually MISS my dad asking me to call my mom because it's 6:00 and she's not home from work yet.
42. I hate staying here every weekend because of work while Cathy gets to go home.
43. I hate that there isn't enough noise here.
44. I hate how open the campus is.
45. I HATE the one radio station that's in DeKalb.
46. I hate that there's nowhere to shop here.
47. I hate a LOT of chicks on my floor.
48. I hate being on an all-girls floor.
49. I hate having to apy $2.00 for a loud of laundry.
50. The water here tastes like shit.
I can continue, but my hand hurts (this was handwritten while at work). I will miss [most] of the people I work with and just about everyoe I've met, but I need to go home. My back has been hurting so much I wouldn't be surprised if I needed to go to physical therapy again. My depression is always on-again, off-again and I think I REALLY need to see someone about it - soon. I might regret this decision and I might not. The only way I can find out, though, is by doing it. I just wish I was able to go home now |
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| Swallowing Tears, Lining My Stomach. |
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| 11:31am 20/02/2006 |
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mood:  cranky
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I've decided I'm transferring out of NIU next year and will be staying home. I haven't thought of any other schools, though. I just don't like it here anymore. |
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| I Loved You, So I Set You Free. I Had To Take Your Life. |
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| 06:07pm 02/02/2006 |
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mood: calm
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I went to work last night and expected to be paid - afterall, that's what pay day is, right? Well, I asked Beth, a manager, for my "check" and she said we were going to be paid late because Jesus, the owner, "forgot" to go to the bank. I was fine with being paid a day or two late...until I found out that some people were paid.
The managers need better organization. The cooks hadn't been paid in a month, so I understand that they got paid first, but why are the new people (who've been there for a week or so) getting their 30+ "checks" instead of the people with seniority? Hell, most of the new people didn't even know it was pay day!!
Me and another girl were pissed off, so we went into work today to talk to Beth and then she gives some some crap how they were considering either of us for manager. Riiiiiiiiight. I'll be honest, people would NOT take me seriously if I was a manager - no lie.
I told Beth that I was fine when she said that we wouldn't be able to get paid on time, but the way she said it, it seemed like none of us were going to get paid. Then when I get back to the register, I find out a driver and a cashier were paid. That's crap. She wrote down how much I'm supposed to get, but left out my $0.25 raise (hey, those things add up, you know?), so now I have to talk to Mary about it. I told Beth that Cory (a driver) and I agreed that if our "checks" weren't ready by our next shift (Friday, 10:00am), we're walking out. She said, "they should be in by then". mmhmm.
I want my nose pierced, but I think my septum retainer would be in the way. blah. |
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| Karma's A Bitch, Cathy. Karma's A Bitch. |
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| 06:01am 21/01/2006 |
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mood: infuriated
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So at 4:45am, Cathy decided to come in, turn on the lights, mess around with her computer, and make a whole bunch of noise. Did she wake me up? Well, of course. Why else would I be typing you an e-mail at 5:05am, you know? Then she decided to get on the phone with Larry. Can she SOFTLY talk to him because I'm sleeping, or should I say I WAS sleeping? Of course not. Then I get out of bed 'cause I've been up for 20 minutes and I know I won't be able to fall asleep now and she says "sorry if I woke up you." Bull fucking shit. I have been working at Shelley's since September and have yet to wake her up when I've come home late from work - which has been A LOT. I't s as if she has no respect for me. She really pissed me off now and I feel like crying because when people wake me up, I get extremely emotional. Just why I need, of course. Then I get on my computer and she goes, "what are you doing?" hmmm...When don't you mind your own business? So I told her "well, I'm up now and I haven't been able to fall back asleep, so I know I won't be falling asleep soon." I don't understand why she can't just be fucking quiet when she stumbles her drunk ass in the door. Then she asked if I heard (the phone conversation), so I told her I heard everything.
Frank got his ass beat by frat guys for no reason, a police report was filed, Cathy was crying for no goddamn reason, and was "trying to stop everyone". Too bad she didn't get punched in the face, right? Apparently, Frank was extremely pissed that he punched another hole in the wall. Cathy made a big deal about that as if there weren't numerous holes in their apartment's walls because of Frank anyway.
As of right now, I feel like staying up as late as I possibly can and making a whole bunch of noise. Tomorrow night, when I come home from work, I'm going to turn the room light not, NOT the light by my desk and, yes, it's going to be like this from now on. When I wake up for my 8am classes, ohhhhhh I am going to wake her up, too. How? Slamming the door, making lots of noise when I'm getting ready (especially with my jewelry), turning all the fucking lights on, rummaging through my closet. hmmmm....maybe I should throw a little music in there, too. When I have to wake up at 9am to go to work on days she doesn't start classes until later, oh it will be the SAME exact way. Maybe I'll even shuffle through the fridge like I need to grab something or slam a few of my drawers like I can't find something. Hell, I'll even wake up at 6:30am just to spend a freakin' half an hour on trying different ways of waking her up. :)
It's 6:00am and I'm still up. Her snoring sounds like she's gurgling. How sick is that!?! I think I'm going to throw something at her...or gently place my pillow over her face and push down until she stops. Yeah, I like the second option better, too. |
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| If You Were Blind I'd Give You My Eyes, Just So You Could See One More Sunrise. |
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| 09:15am 10/01/2006 |
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mood: sad
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Long distance relationships are hard. I would love to have a boyfriend blocks/miles away from me; a boyfriend that I could spend time with when I'm home from school on break...but I'm happy with the relationship I'm currently in. hah. I'm happy.
Scott was here for ten days and, this morning, he had to leave me. It's insanely weird coming down my stairs to not find him sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee, or see him laying on the couch watching TV. I held in my tears (a few slipped when he wasn't looking), but when I had to get on the bus to go back home, he caught me crying.
I know my parents won't admit to themselves that we're dating, and for some reason, that's fine with me. I'm so tired of fighting with them that I don't care anymore. I just wish, sometimes, that they could understand. Now that Scott's gone, things will probably go back to the way they were before he came - meaning, I will be getting yelled at endlessly.
Saturday, I'm getting my hair cut. I'm thinking about going mid-neck (yes, short, but it's to get rid of ALL my dead ends - and there's A LOT - I need to start getting my hair trimmed every month or so). Maybe I'll go a little longer than that. I'm keeping my bangs, though. OPINIONS?
PS. I'm back. |
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| I Never Got On Santa's Good List. |
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| 07:10pm 23/12/2005 |
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mood: bored
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I will be in Michigan from December 24, 2005 until December 26, 2005, so I would like to wish everyone Happy Holidays!
Scotty will be here from December 29, 2005 until January 9, 2006, so, in case I don't get a chance to update at all: I wish everyone a Happy New Year, also! |
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| Tender Love And Care In Case You're Unaware. |
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| 05:41pm 21/12/2005 |
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mood: annoyed
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I worked my ass off yesterday and, shockingly, even Nick will admit it. I washed the dishes, swept, did laundry, etc. Would you like to know what? I still got bitched at. My mom (that's right, NOT my dad) yelled at me for the food I made for Gabriella, though that's what Gabriella asked for. I got yelled at for not sitting at the table while my family was eating (again) while Christina was upstairs sleeping. Should I have been the one sleeping, you know damn well they would've practically dragged me downstairs by my hair. For Christina, though, they let her sleep the entire time, including when relatives came over.
I have nowhere to run to anymore because I don't talk to anyone from home. So when I'm crying so hard I feel like I'm going to throw up, I have nowhere to go except my room.
All I want is for one day while I'm home for break for me and my parents to get along (so far, today's working out fine - ::knocks on wood::). No yelling. No fighting. No crying. None of that, but I'm not going to be disappointed when I don't get it and everyone should know why already. |
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| I Don't Ever Want To Be Considered The Sort Of Guy Who Says, "I Just Might Break Your Face Tonight." |
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| 12:15pm 15/12/2005 |
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mood:  apathetic
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Every time I come home, it hurts a little more. Every time I come home, I wish to be further away. Every time I come home, I hate it a little more. Every time I come home, my depression gets a little deeper. Not even the screaming music in my ears endure can cover my pain.
I honestly hate being home more than I did before - at least I have the inspiration to write again. When I'm at home, I wish to dig the knife into my skin once more. Just a little harder. Just a little more. Just a little longer. Just a little deeper. Seeing my grades from the semester just made it all the worse. Maybe going away to college wasn't for me, but I could not take it at home any longer.
My mom dismisses my problems like a speck of dust. She comments about the dark circles under my eyes - which first appeared at the end of my sophomore year in high school - but does nothing about them. She comments about making a doctor's appointment, but it never appears on the calendar.
Every time I come home, my sleep lessens more. Every time I come home, my scars throb. Every time I come home, I have endless nights of little or no sleep. Every time I come home, I wake up in my sleep a little more than I used to. Every time I come home, I wish for a peaceful night. Every time I come home, I curse myself once more for coming home at all.
(It's funny how I finished writing this seconds before my mom began screaming at me). |
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| Metal Prison Bars Block Out Minds. Your Truths All Televise. |
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| 03:18pm 02/12/2005 |
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mood: depressed
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Dear Mom,
I know you'd probably prefer me to tell you this in person because that's what I would want, too, but I can't because I wouldn't know what to say or how to say it. I'm much better at writing things then saying them because I get to plan and organize everything out. I'd much rather tell you this, but I can't because whenever I think of what I want to say, I break down (not that this is any different, though).
For the past week or so, it has been really hard for me to get out of bed to go to class - it's like a chore. My moods have been flucuating for the past few days as well. I don't want to go out with friends anymore (I make up excuses as to why I "can't go out") and lately, I haven't even felt like talking to anyone (as I'm sure you've come to realize due to the lack of phone calls on my part). I barely sleep anymore. No matter what time I go to bed, I can't fall asleep right away. In face, it usually takes me about two to three hours to finally fall asleep, but I only have two to six hours of sleep a night - not to mention I wake up in the middle of the night continously. I hardly eat anymore either; it's as if I've lost my appetite completely. Not to mention I feel a lot more stressed than I really am. I become extremely nervous and anxious when it comes time for a test in any of my classes.
I could continue with that, but instead, I'll cut it short and get to my main point. I think I need help, mm. Other people have told me about my constant mood changes, so please don't think I'm making all of this up. I hope you believe me and I hope you realize that this is serious and we can't put it off. I want to know what's wrong with me so that I can get help and get better. I'm really sorry if I disappointed you.
Love,
Lisa Cannella
( Seether - Plastic Man ) |
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| Just Look At What We've Done. Will You Look At Who We've Become? |
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| 07:26pm 30/11/2005 |
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mood: depressed
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When I become really depressed, like I have been, I need to be left alone. When I get the way I was last night, I don't want to talk to anyone in any way - e-mail, IM, phone, or in person. The people around me don't understand and, at times, I feel like I'm forced to continue talking to them so they don't get upset or hurt. When I tell you that I need to be alone, I wish that you would just listen to me. My friends at school don't connect my moods to depression and that's fine - maybe they don't really know what depression is, maybe they've never had to deal with it, maybe they just can't imagine that I can be suffering from depression.
I have mood swings - and I believe that I may have a mood disorder - and a lot of people always seem surprised by that and I can never understand why. Maybe it's because no matter what kind of mood I'm in or how I'm feeling, when I'm around friends and/or family, I put on a happy face and pretend everything's okay. I am a very humorous person, but I get in bad moods, too. I just wish I didn't have to pretend I'm always happy.
I wish I had the courage to tell my mom I need to see a doctor. I wish I had the courage to tell my mom I need to see a counselor. I wish I had the courage to tell my mom I need help. I. WISH. I. HAD. THE. COURAGE. TO. TELL. MY. MOM. I. HAVE. DEPRESSION. THAT. I. AM. DEPRESSED. The reason I don't want to tell her can't tell her is because I'll feel as if she doesn't believe me or I'll feel like I'm an even bigger failure than I already feel that I am.
I need someone to tell me that they love me, that they care, that depression is normal and I can be helped. I need someone to tell me that they're there for me - no matter how rarely we talk or see each other. I need someone to hold me and hug me tighter as I cry harder because my pillows just aren't working anymore - and really, they haven't been for years.
( A few pictures from Thanksgiving. WARNING: NONE are resized, so they may be large. ) |
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